My mom always made Christmas special and there were years that I know how hard it was. Growing up my dad was in the Navy and missed several Christmas celebrations. One year my grandmother died 8 weeks before Christmas during one of those times when my dad was gone - yet even that year or perhaps especially because of that year - my mom worked herself silly to make it a joyful time. She often stayed up all hours of the night the week leading up to Christmas morning. She would be so tired that she often said she didn't remember much of Christmas morning.
It is something that has stuck with me over the years. Now with two kids who are SO VERY EXCITED about Christmas I don't want to miss a moment. It helps that in our house Christmas is not just one day. We follow the teachings of the church and celebrate for 12 full days - December 25 through January 5. We open presents every day - spreading them out. It also means that we don't have this deadline looming over us in a way that could cause us to go crazy and miss the joy of the season. Especially since my husband Josh and I are both pastors with Christmas Eve responsibilities.
Celebrating for 12 days has been wonderful. It allows us as a family to truly enjoy each gift that we receive. There is no great Christmas let down or depression on December 26th when all the anticipation is over and there is nothing left to do but be sad that it's all over. It is my prayer that this Christmas we might leave a little of the crazy behind so we might come to truly experience the joy of the season. Let us bask in the light and know that because of God's gift to us we may experience true joy and peace. Let us work to enlighten the nations so that we might come to experience God's kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Advent & New Life Part 2
Careful what you write. In my last post, yes 5 months ago I talked about new life. It started with a conversation about when Josh & I were gonna have baby #3. We said he had no plans at that time but that we had not ruled it out. Well, I can announce that Josh and I are expecting baby #3 sometime between June 4 & July 4. I know, most people have due dates, not due months but well, I'm not normal. My 2 oldest children were both born about a month early.
I shared in my last post that with Ellie, my daughter I spent time in the hospital and did not have a good pregnancy. I'm nearly 12 weeks along and it's been okay. If this baby is like my other two, I'm 1/3 of the way through the pregnancy and am looking forward to some of the good things - feeling the baby move and looking more pregnant to match how I've been feeling. This baby has helped me realize that I can only do what I can do. For the first time in my life I've been good at saying no - letting myself rest - and only doing what I need to. Now, some of you might find this hard to believe and I think my husband might still say that I pushing myself too much. I can however say take a look around the house - it's not decorated for Christmas - lights are not up outside. There are no presents wrapped and under the tree. I feel bad about this and my usual next move would be to stay up at all hours doing all those things. Josh keeps reminding me that's what Advent is for and it's not over yet. My kids also keep reminding me that Christmas is 12 days long - which is VERY LONG according to Ben. I've got time. We've got time but so many of us are desperate to finish our to do lists before December 24th.
With the strong winter storm bearing down on the northeast of the country on what is often thought of as the busiest weekend of the year, many people will have no choice but to sit back and rest. A pastor friend posted as her status on Facebook "loves that the snow came down on the busiest weekend of the Christmas season. It makes all of us slow down and enjoy time at home." Remember to take some time and rest as a part of preparation - without that rest new life is not possible and that is what Christmas is about. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
I shared in my last post that with Ellie, my daughter I spent time in the hospital and did not have a good pregnancy. I'm nearly 12 weeks along and it's been okay. If this baby is like my other two, I'm 1/3 of the way through the pregnancy and am looking forward to some of the good things - feeling the baby move and looking more pregnant to match how I've been feeling. This baby has helped me realize that I can only do what I can do. For the first time in my life I've been good at saying no - letting myself rest - and only doing what I need to. Now, some of you might find this hard to believe and I think my husband might still say that I pushing myself too much. I can however say take a look around the house - it's not decorated for Christmas - lights are not up outside. There are no presents wrapped and under the tree. I feel bad about this and my usual next move would be to stay up at all hours doing all those things. Josh keeps reminding me that's what Advent is for and it's not over yet. My kids also keep reminding me that Christmas is 12 days long - which is VERY LONG according to Ben. I've got time. We've got time but so many of us are desperate to finish our to do lists before December 24th.
With the strong winter storm bearing down on the northeast of the country on what is often thought of as the busiest weekend of the year, many people will have no choice but to sit back and rest. A pastor friend posted as her status on Facebook "loves that the snow came down on the busiest weekend of the Christmas season. It makes all of us slow down and enjoy time at home." Remember to take some time and rest as a part of preparation - without that rest new life is not possible and that is what Christmas is about. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
New Life
I was recently asked when I would have baby No. 3. I replied - that while we are not ruling it out - life is full right now. I have a full-time job in ministry at a local church. My husband has a full-time job in ministry: 3/4 in campus ministry and 1/4 in local church. We have two very active children, one 4 and one 2 who bring so much energy to our lives that we can't even begin to reign in the chaos. This person then said - well you can have the baby and then give it to me, I've got time. My response was "Um, No!" First, I didn't do pregnant well the last time, lots of bedrest, some large number of hospital trips for pre-term labor before Ellie was actually born. Second, if I am going to go through all that work, I'm going to keep the baby.
I was watching tv last night and saw a father holding a newborn (well, as small as you can actually have on tv, not that new) and thought - I miss those cuddly moments. All these thoughts have brought me to ponder new life. We think of new life as something wonderful - life giving. We forget after we have gone through it that it is a lot of work. We all long for new life, rebirth, freshness yet we don't want the pain, struggle and work that it takes to get it. This is true for us individually and equally true in the church.
We've all heard that the seven deadly words in the church are "we have always done it this way!" It's always easier to do things the way they have been done before because we have a pattern to go by. We have an idea what it looks like. We know that it works. And yet - we are often not content with it as it has been done in the past. In the moment it didn't meet or exceed or expectations. It just is. How often do we stay stagnant in our lives - communally or individually because it just is where we are.
We've spent some time in the pool this summer. Last year - neither Ben or Ellie wanted much to do with the water. They wanted to held in the water and that was it. This year they both are getting much more adventurous. Josh and I hadn't put them in swim lessons because we didn't want to push them. So we've begun teaching them a few things and know that swim lessons are in our future next summer. It has caused me to reflect on the act of swimming in relation to new life. Strange I know. When you are swimming you may get tired, but you can always stop, catch a breath and then push off again in search of the unknown. You can walk in the water as long as you can touch. There comes a time though that when you don't want to swim and you can't touch that you have to tread water. Anyone who has treaded water knows that it doesn't take long before you get tired. You are stuck in the middle - not moving - not changing.
I wonder when we decide not to change because it's too hard if in fact it is harder because we are treading water. Could it be that the reason we are tired is because we are spending all of our energy staying in one place. What would happen if we used our energy to move - to grow - to reach for new life. We could find places to push off and find a place to stand with our head above water when we get tired or need extra help.
So I am not announcing that Josh and I will be having baby No. 3 anytime in the near future, if at all. What I would like to challenge us all to do is to seek new life in our lives, knowing that it will may be hard at times. We may lose sleep. We may be uncomfortable. We may hear those things which wound us deeply by others who are simply treading water afraid of moving. We know that we must work to have new life. We also know that new life is not necessarily any more work than remaining stangnant, treading water. I think about Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azakaban. When Harry is in the Defense against the Dark Arts class and Professor Lupin won't give him a turn fighting the boggart. Professor Lupin didn't want Voldermort to appear. Harry's biggest fear was that of the Dementor. Professor Lupin comments that that proves that Harry's biggest fear is fear. Let us conqueor the fear of change. Let us move instead of treading water. Let us shine our light in the darkness knowing that the darkness will not overcome it.
I was watching tv last night and saw a father holding a newborn (well, as small as you can actually have on tv, not that new) and thought - I miss those cuddly moments. All these thoughts have brought me to ponder new life. We think of new life as something wonderful - life giving. We forget after we have gone through it that it is a lot of work. We all long for new life, rebirth, freshness yet we don't want the pain, struggle and work that it takes to get it. This is true for us individually and equally true in the church.
We've all heard that the seven deadly words in the church are "we have always done it this way!" It's always easier to do things the way they have been done before because we have a pattern to go by. We have an idea what it looks like. We know that it works. And yet - we are often not content with it as it has been done in the past. In the moment it didn't meet or exceed or expectations. It just is. How often do we stay stagnant in our lives - communally or individually because it just is where we are.
We've spent some time in the pool this summer. Last year - neither Ben or Ellie wanted much to do with the water. They wanted to held in the water and that was it. This year they both are getting much more adventurous. Josh and I hadn't put them in swim lessons because we didn't want to push them. So we've begun teaching them a few things and know that swim lessons are in our future next summer. It has caused me to reflect on the act of swimming in relation to new life. Strange I know. When you are swimming you may get tired, but you can always stop, catch a breath and then push off again in search of the unknown. You can walk in the water as long as you can touch. There comes a time though that when you don't want to swim and you can't touch that you have to tread water. Anyone who has treaded water knows that it doesn't take long before you get tired. You are stuck in the middle - not moving - not changing.
I wonder when we decide not to change because it's too hard if in fact it is harder because we are treading water. Could it be that the reason we are tired is because we are spending all of our energy staying in one place. What would happen if we used our energy to move - to grow - to reach for new life. We could find places to push off and find a place to stand with our head above water when we get tired or need extra help.
So I am not announcing that Josh and I will be having baby No. 3 anytime in the near future, if at all. What I would like to challenge us all to do is to seek new life in our lives, knowing that it will may be hard at times. We may lose sleep. We may be uncomfortable. We may hear those things which wound us deeply by others who are simply treading water afraid of moving. We know that we must work to have new life. We also know that new life is not necessarily any more work than remaining stangnant, treading water. I think about Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azakaban. When Harry is in the Defense against the Dark Arts class and Professor Lupin won't give him a turn fighting the boggart. Professor Lupin didn't want Voldermort to appear. Harry's biggest fear was that of the Dementor. Professor Lupin comments that that proves that Harry's biggest fear is fear. Let us conqueor the fear of change. Let us move instead of treading water. Let us shine our light in the darkness knowing that the darkness will not overcome it.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Commissioning and Ordination
My husband recently wrote about the sacramental authority of provisional Elders. Below is what he wrote.
On the Commissioned Elder and Provisional Member of the Annual Conference
and the Sacrament of Holy Communion in The United Methodist Church
Concern for Sacramental Integrity
and the Sacrament of Holy Communion in The United Methodist Church
Concern for Sacramental Integrity
A number of incidents while I served three years as a probationary member of the United Methodist clergy covenant as well as since I have been ordained have provoked this response. As I served in campus ministry, I was asked many times to guest preach in local congregations, and on some of those occasions, I was asked to lead the congregation in celebrating the Sacrament of Holy Communion. On each of those occasions, I declined to do so because of my own personal regard for the integrity of the celebration, and to comply with the Discipline of our Church. And yet, that should not have had to be a personal decision. It should be reinforced by clergy colleagues and certainly by superintendents. Unfortunately, my story is not unique: I continue to hear similar stories which deeply disturb me. Many clergy seem unaware of current authorized practice. At the risk of taking something on which is far above my pay scale, let us review...
Disciplinary Provisions
This issue is one which has plagued Methodism from its early days. The official teaching document adopted by the 2004 General Conference, This Holy Mystery, reminds us that:
"[John] Wesley was convinced that there could be no sacramental ministry without ordination as elder. This conviction ultimately determined his decision to perform ‘extraordinary’ ordinations himself...Under the terms of the Book of Discipline, several groups of people are authorized to preside at Eucharist in the charges to which they are appointed.... "
(This Holy Mystery: A United Methodist Understanding of Holy Communion, as recorded in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2008, Resolution #8014, p. 991.)
Among these groups of people will be found the commissioned elder/provisional member, as illustrated by the current Discipline:
"A provisional member preparing for ordination as an elder shall be licensed for pastoral ministry (¶ 315). "
(The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church—2008, ¶ 326.2.)
"Provisional elders...may be licensed by the bishop to perform all the duties of the pastor (¶ 340), including the sacraments of baptism and Holy Communion...within and while appointed to a particular charge or extension ministry. For the purposes of these paragraphs the charge or extension ministry will be defined as ‘people within or related to the community or ministry setting being served.’ "
(The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church—2008, ¶ 316.1.)
Theology of Commissioning and Ordination
These two paragraphs indicate the source of authority in a local church that is given to commissioned clergy and provisional elders: it stems from their license for pastoral ministry. Though their identity as clergy stems from the act of commissioning, they function as a licensed local pastor. This dichotomy will not be unified and cemented as a life-long part of their identity until ordination. Ordination is the act of the Spirit which gifts individuals for apostolic ministry; it also confers the authorization and blessing of the Church for a gospel ministry unbound by time or location.
However, licensing in the United Methodist tradition, whether in the transitional state of provisional membership & commissioning or for the long-term as a local pastor, is a recognition that the Spirit is still unfolding the gifts of ministry in an individual. Moreover, licensing for pastoral ministry only recognizes a local and temporary (rather than universal or “catholic,” and life-long) call.
The Limits of Sacramental Responsibility
I cannot find anywhere--neither in the paragraphs relating to the ministry of local pastors & provisional elders nor in the paragraphs relating to the responsibilities of bishops & district superintendents--a place where the current Discipline provides for the administration of the sacraments by those not ordained as an Elder anywhere other than in their appointment. Moreover, regardless of what may have been past practice, the current Discipline does not delegate authority on this matter to a person or group: no bishop, district superintendent, cabinet member, senior pastor, Board of Ordained Ministry, nor District Committee on Ministry may make such an authorization.
In the event that there might be a neglect of the Sacramental life of a congregation or assembly, This Holy Mystery suggests suitable alternatives: celebration by a bishop, district superintendent, elder serving in extension ministries, or retired elder. (cf. This Holy Mystery: A United Methodist Understanding of Holy Communion, as recorded in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2008, Resolution #8014, p. 992; cf. Discipline ¶ 340.2.b & ¶ 344.3.a.) A desire to further the mission of the church would still have to follow the Disciplinary procedure to begin a new church community; we should treat the celebration of Holy Communion with at least equal regard, even when we desire to "spread scriptural holiness across the land."
There are other reasons—theological, ecclesiological, missional, and practical—why I believe that this continued occurrence is wrong. There may also be reasons to review our current practice and re-open the debate on our orders of ministry and theology of the Eucharist. But I submit that--whether it is in departing from the tradition of the entire Church (without sufficient cause), violating the unity of the Body of Christ by engaging in practices unrecognizable by our ecumenical brothers and sisters, neglecting to be aware of the current requirements in United Methodism, or deliberately refusing to submit to the Discipline--the rogue practice of asking or allowing provisional elders or local pastors to celebrate the Sacraments outside of their appointment is un-collegial, disobedient, and a failure of the Church.
---Josh Hale written July 28, 200
This is my response.
I really miss the former ordination process whereby everyone was ordained as an deacon. If you were called to be an Elder you were ordained an a Transitional Deacon and then ordained as an Elder. We abandoned this process because we were creating a permanent diaconate no longer a transitional and created the practice of commissioning for ministry. I understand that this was in part to secure the integrity and identity of the newly recovered Order of Deacon.
While I think it is important and necessary to support the our new understanding of ministry with the creation of the permanent Order of Deacon, I hate that we have turned our back on the tradition of the church. I think there is something to be said that all Elders come through the diaconate. All those who are ordained share a common ordination to Word and Service. For Deacons this remains the areas to which they engage the world. For Elders they are ordained to Word, Sacrament, Order and Service. Together we have a common ministry of Word and Service. We also have specific ministry as Deacons are also called to exercise the their particular ministry in the church and the world. I realize this discussion of ordaination is not specifically related to Josh's post but I think it is related as well as an important part of the conversation. I can't help but wonder if we would be having any of this conversation if we had not abandoned our process in 2000. I would love to hear other people's response, Deacons, Elders, candidates and laity.
Disciplinary Provisions
This issue is one which has plagued Methodism from its early days. The official teaching document adopted by the 2004 General Conference, This Holy Mystery, reminds us that:
"[John] Wesley was convinced that there could be no sacramental ministry without ordination as elder. This conviction ultimately determined his decision to perform ‘extraordinary’ ordinations himself...Under the terms of the Book of Discipline, several groups of people are authorized to preside at Eucharist in the charges to which they are appointed.... "
(This Holy Mystery: A United Methodist Understanding of Holy Communion, as recorded in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2008, Resolution #8014, p. 991.)
Among these groups of people will be found the commissioned elder/provisional member, as illustrated by the current Discipline:
"A provisional member preparing for ordination as an elder shall be licensed for pastoral ministry (¶ 315). "
(The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church—2008, ¶ 326.2.)
"Provisional elders...may be licensed by the bishop to perform all the duties of the pastor (¶ 340), including the sacraments of baptism and Holy Communion...within and while appointed to a particular charge or extension ministry. For the purposes of these paragraphs the charge or extension ministry will be defined as ‘people within or related to the community or ministry setting being served.’ "
(The Book of Discipline of The United Methodist Church—2008, ¶ 316.1.)
Theology of Commissioning and Ordination
These two paragraphs indicate the source of authority in a local church that is given to commissioned clergy and provisional elders: it stems from their license for pastoral ministry. Though their identity as clergy stems from the act of commissioning, they function as a licensed local pastor. This dichotomy will not be unified and cemented as a life-long part of their identity until ordination. Ordination is the act of the Spirit which gifts individuals for apostolic ministry; it also confers the authorization and blessing of the Church for a gospel ministry unbound by time or location.
However, licensing in the United Methodist tradition, whether in the transitional state of provisional membership & commissioning or for the long-term as a local pastor, is a recognition that the Spirit is still unfolding the gifts of ministry in an individual. Moreover, licensing for pastoral ministry only recognizes a local and temporary (rather than universal or “catholic,” and life-long) call.
The Limits of Sacramental Responsibility
I cannot find anywhere--neither in the paragraphs relating to the ministry of local pastors & provisional elders nor in the paragraphs relating to the responsibilities of bishops & district superintendents--a place where the current Discipline provides for the administration of the sacraments by those not ordained as an Elder anywhere other than in their appointment. Moreover, regardless of what may have been past practice, the current Discipline does not delegate authority on this matter to a person or group: no bishop, district superintendent, cabinet member, senior pastor, Board of Ordained Ministry, nor District Committee on Ministry may make such an authorization.
In the event that there might be a neglect of the Sacramental life of a congregation or assembly, This Holy Mystery suggests suitable alternatives: celebration by a bishop, district superintendent, elder serving in extension ministries, or retired elder. (cf. This Holy Mystery: A United Methodist Understanding of Holy Communion, as recorded in The Book of Resolutions of The United Methodist Church, 2008, Resolution #8014, p. 992; cf. Discipline ¶ 340.2.b & ¶ 344.3.a.) A desire to further the mission of the church would still have to follow the Disciplinary procedure to begin a new church community; we should treat the celebration of Holy Communion with at least equal regard, even when we desire to "spread scriptural holiness across the land."
There are other reasons—theological, ecclesiological, missional, and practical—why I believe that this continued occurrence is wrong. There may also be reasons to review our current practice and re-open the debate on our orders of ministry and theology of the Eucharist. But I submit that--whether it is in departing from the tradition of the entire Church (without sufficient cause), violating the unity of the Body of Christ by engaging in practices unrecognizable by our ecumenical brothers and sisters, neglecting to be aware of the current requirements in United Methodism, or deliberately refusing to submit to the Discipline--the rogue practice of asking or allowing provisional elders or local pastors to celebrate the Sacraments outside of their appointment is un-collegial, disobedient, and a failure of the Church.
---Josh Hale written July 28, 200
This is my response.
I really miss the former ordination process whereby everyone was ordained as an deacon. If you were called to be an Elder you were ordained an a Transitional Deacon and then ordained as an Elder. We abandoned this process because we were creating a permanent diaconate no longer a transitional and created the practice of commissioning for ministry. I understand that this was in part to secure the integrity and identity of the newly recovered Order of Deacon.
While I think it is important and necessary to support the our new understanding of ministry with the creation of the permanent Order of Deacon, I hate that we have turned our back on the tradition of the church. I think there is something to be said that all Elders come through the diaconate. All those who are ordained share a common ordination to Word and Service. For Deacons this remains the areas to which they engage the world. For Elders they are ordained to Word, Sacrament, Order and Service. Together we have a common ministry of Word and Service. We also have specific ministry as Deacons are also called to exercise the their particular ministry in the church and the world. I realize this discussion of ordaination is not specifically related to Josh's post but I think it is related as well as an important part of the conversation. I can't help but wonder if we would be having any of this conversation if we had not abandoned our process in 2000. I would love to hear other people's response, Deacons, Elders, candidates and laity.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I'm Back!
So my foray into blogging began with great intentions. It's now been over 4 months since I even logged in to my blog let alone blogged anything. In the last 4 months I feel like I've been running at top speed. I've worked hard on trying to make substantive changes in my life regarding taking true sabbath time. I've also tried to balance better being pulled in many directions between wife, mommy, pastor, sister, you get the picture. Anyway, beginning this week, I will be trying to blog once a week. Check in and see how well I do. Next blog: Southeast District Sr. High Camp.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Beginning
I'm sitting in a hotel in Palestine, Texas. I am away from home for the Elder's Retreat. Last night during the opening of the retreat, the organizer of the retreat said that this was supposed to be a live-giving time, so if you need to take a walk or have some time to yourself, do it. I took him at his word.
I am the pastor of FUMC Port Arthur, a church that has 100 members, 35 - 45 in worship with an average age of 70. I am the mother of 2 small children, Ben who is 3 3/4 and Ellie who is 21 months old. I am married to Josh who is also a Pastor and I can't remember a the last time I did what I wanted to do for more than a couple of hours.
When and why did it become a good thing to give yourself completely over to carrying for everyone but yourself. My husband has been going away on retreats our entire marriage. I was jealous of his ability to go. More often then not they were requirements but he went and had a wonderful time.
Now that I am full-time I too have required retreats - but they are not retreats - they are business meetings. We may be wearing different clothes and away from our offices, but they are not retreats.
We often make fun of Doctors and Lawyers for going away on so called "Continuing Education Events" that are filled with golf, scuba diving, etc. I now understand why they are called Continuing Education Events. If they were called what they really are retreats - they would not be taken seriously. In America's embrace of the Protestant Work Ethic we have forgotten what Sabbath time is and how important it is.
My husband and I lived in England for one year from August 16, 2005 until August 1, 2006. Our son, Ben was 9 weeks old when we left for Winterton, England on the Northeast Coast, about half way between Lincoln and York. My husband was responsible for 6 churches and I was responsible for the house and our son. As a part of our time there, we had to take vacation. We were there for one year but we were expected to use ALL of our 5 weeks of vacation, plus our weekly 2 days off and 5 days of Sabbatical time (every quarter). My husband shares that he never felt like he got much accomplished while he was there, but I know he was more fun and creative in all that he did, in part because he was forced to take time away. For my part, I loved all the time. We could go places we always wanted to visit, even going to the Lincoln Cathedral weekly for Evensong. It was a life giving time.
Now that we are back in America, I bemoan the lack of time. I am surrounded by workaholics.
Josh and I try very hard to take our days off each week and all the vacation time we get (3 weeks). We try and are usually successful. We do not wear it as a badge of honor that we have worked 5, 6, 7 years without a single vacation day. However, I have come to realize that I really am a workaholic wolf, in sabbath loving sheep clothing. Okay, the analogy may not work, but I have found that somehow over the last couple of years, since motherhood really, that I could not take a whole day or longer away. Now, my husband and I take time every week for date night, but I have not had more than a couple of hours by myself for years.
How did it get so long. I kept telling myself that I couldn't leave. So last night, my friend and roomate and I stayed up way late in our hotel room, enjoying a glass of wine and talking. As I woke this morning, without any alarm other than my bladder, I realized, I don't have to go to the retreat session this morning, I can stay in my hotel room and read the books I got at the book table. I can take a shower and fix my hair and put my pjs back on. And I did and I am. In giving myself permission something radical has happened, I have come to realize that God loves me.
I know, how can I as a Pastor who constantly tells everyone else that God loves them, miss that. I was so busy trying to care for everyone else, that I failed to care for myself on the deepest level. My husband is at home with the kids, okay, to be truthful, he is at work and the kids are at preschool, but he is taking care of them while I am gone. He has gone away about once a quarter since just before our son was born. As I told him my plan on the phone this morning, he said, "I've been telling you to take a retreat for years now. I'm glad that you finally are doing it." Wow. There has been nothing stopping me, but myself. So, it stops now.
I know for some that know me, it is coming out of left-field, but I know that I have been taking baby steps towards this moment for 6 months. I love being a wife, mother and Pastor. They are all live giving vocations that I have wanted to do my whole life. I'll share my call story another time, but just know that I have known I wanted to do what I am doing for more than 1/2 my life. Do the math, I was young when I figured this out. Anyway, I am now giving myself permission to do that which I tell everyone else to do.
I can't please anyone but God and myself and in pleasing myself, I please God. God takes delight and joy in the happiness of her children. I am the Pastor of the church but I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot do everything. This does not mean I don't have to do the things that I don't like or that I am not good at. I still have to work on areas that I am not strong in but it does not mean that I have to spend all of my time and energy in those areas.
I am not soley responsible for my children. My husband and partner both created them with God's help and they are both of our responsibility. He has never shirked his responsibility, but I think I have convinced myself that I can do it better.
So, thus begins The Radical Pastor Mommy Blog. I am going to take time to retreat, even if it is for 2 hours in the morning, when I stay home and read for me, or quilt, or take a walk, because I will be a better wife, mother and pastor because I did it. I don't have to wait until I am required to take time away, I can do it for myself and I will encourage all those around me to do the same.
I'll leave you with this thought, from the book that started my retreat time, "What Size are God's Shoes: Kids, Chaos and the Spiritual Life." by Tim Schenck "For if God is love, then we see God by showing our love for others. We see the face of God in one another. Our faces can reflect the love that is God. You and I can look like God, if only occasionally, if only briefly, if only haltingly. But we have the ability to do this precisely because we are made in God's image." We can only do this, if we allow ourselves to retreat away into the care of God and that means loving ourselves enough to say no.
I am the pastor of FUMC Port Arthur, a church that has 100 members, 35 - 45 in worship with an average age of 70. I am the mother of 2 small children, Ben who is 3 3/4 and Ellie who is 21 months old. I am married to Josh who is also a Pastor and I can't remember a the last time I did what I wanted to do for more than a couple of hours.
When and why did it become a good thing to give yourself completely over to carrying for everyone but yourself. My husband has been going away on retreats our entire marriage. I was jealous of his ability to go. More often then not they were requirements but he went and had a wonderful time.
Now that I am full-time I too have required retreats - but they are not retreats - they are business meetings. We may be wearing different clothes and away from our offices, but they are not retreats.
We often make fun of Doctors and Lawyers for going away on so called "Continuing Education Events" that are filled with golf, scuba diving, etc. I now understand why they are called Continuing Education Events. If they were called what they really are retreats - they would not be taken seriously. In America's embrace of the Protestant Work Ethic we have forgotten what Sabbath time is and how important it is.
My husband and I lived in England for one year from August 16, 2005 until August 1, 2006. Our son, Ben was 9 weeks old when we left for Winterton, England on the Northeast Coast, about half way between Lincoln and York. My husband was responsible for 6 churches and I was responsible for the house and our son. As a part of our time there, we had to take vacation. We were there for one year but we were expected to use ALL of our 5 weeks of vacation, plus our weekly 2 days off and 5 days of Sabbatical time (every quarter). My husband shares that he never felt like he got much accomplished while he was there, but I know he was more fun and creative in all that he did, in part because he was forced to take time away. For my part, I loved all the time. We could go places we always wanted to visit, even going to the Lincoln Cathedral weekly for Evensong. It was a life giving time.
Now that we are back in America, I bemoan the lack of time. I am surrounded by workaholics.
Josh and I try very hard to take our days off each week and all the vacation time we get (3 weeks). We try and are usually successful. We do not wear it as a badge of honor that we have worked 5, 6, 7 years without a single vacation day. However, I have come to realize that I really am a workaholic wolf, in sabbath loving sheep clothing. Okay, the analogy may not work, but I have found that somehow over the last couple of years, since motherhood really, that I could not take a whole day or longer away. Now, my husband and I take time every week for date night, but I have not had more than a couple of hours by myself for years.
How did it get so long. I kept telling myself that I couldn't leave. So last night, my friend and roomate and I stayed up way late in our hotel room, enjoying a glass of wine and talking. As I woke this morning, without any alarm other than my bladder, I realized, I don't have to go to the retreat session this morning, I can stay in my hotel room and read the books I got at the book table. I can take a shower and fix my hair and put my pjs back on. And I did and I am. In giving myself permission something radical has happened, I have come to realize that God loves me.
I know, how can I as a Pastor who constantly tells everyone else that God loves them, miss that. I was so busy trying to care for everyone else, that I failed to care for myself on the deepest level. My husband is at home with the kids, okay, to be truthful, he is at work and the kids are at preschool, but he is taking care of them while I am gone. He has gone away about once a quarter since just before our son was born. As I told him my plan on the phone this morning, he said, "I've been telling you to take a retreat for years now. I'm glad that you finally are doing it." Wow. There has been nothing stopping me, but myself. So, it stops now.
I know for some that know me, it is coming out of left-field, but I know that I have been taking baby steps towards this moment for 6 months. I love being a wife, mother and Pastor. They are all live giving vocations that I have wanted to do my whole life. I'll share my call story another time, but just know that I have known I wanted to do what I am doing for more than 1/2 my life. Do the math, I was young when I figured this out. Anyway, I am now giving myself permission to do that which I tell everyone else to do.
I can't please anyone but God and myself and in pleasing myself, I please God. God takes delight and joy in the happiness of her children. I am the Pastor of the church but I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot do everything. This does not mean I don't have to do the things that I don't like or that I am not good at. I still have to work on areas that I am not strong in but it does not mean that I have to spend all of my time and energy in those areas.
I am not soley responsible for my children. My husband and partner both created them with God's help and they are both of our responsibility. He has never shirked his responsibility, but I think I have convinced myself that I can do it better.
So, thus begins The Radical Pastor Mommy Blog. I am going to take time to retreat, even if it is for 2 hours in the morning, when I stay home and read for me, or quilt, or take a walk, because I will be a better wife, mother and pastor because I did it. I don't have to wait until I am required to take time away, I can do it for myself and I will encourage all those around me to do the same.
I'll leave you with this thought, from the book that started my retreat time, "What Size are God's Shoes: Kids, Chaos and the Spiritual Life." by Tim Schenck "For if God is love, then we see God by showing our love for others. We see the face of God in one another. Our faces can reflect the love that is God. You and I can look like God, if only occasionally, if only briefly, if only haltingly. But we have the ability to do this precisely because we are made in God's image." We can only do this, if we allow ourselves to retreat away into the care of God and that means loving ourselves enough to say no.
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