The Beginning

I'm sitting in a hotel in Palestine, Texas. I am away from home for the Elder's Retreat. Last night during the opening of the retreat, the organizer of the retreat said that this was supposed to be a live-giving time, so if you need to take a walk or have some time to yourself, do it. I took him at his word.

I am the pastor of FUMC Port Arthur, a church that has 100 members, 35 - 45 in worship with an average age of 70. I am the mother of 2 small children, Ben who is 3 3/4 and Ellie who is 21 months old. I am married to Josh who is also a Pastor and I can't remember a the last time I did what I wanted to do for more than a couple of hours.

When and why did it become a good thing to give yourself completely over to carrying for everyone but yourself. My husband has been going away on retreats our entire marriage. I was jealous of his ability to go. More often then not they were requirements but he went and had a wonderful time.

Now that I am full-time I too have required retreats - but they are not retreats - they are business meetings. We may be wearing different clothes and away from our offices, but they are not retreats.

We often make fun of Doctors and Lawyers for going away on so called "Continuing Education Events" that are filled with golf, scuba diving, etc. I now understand why they are called Continuing Education Events. If they were called what they really are retreats - they would not be taken seriously. In America's embrace of the Protestant Work Ethic we have forgotten what Sabbath time is and how important it is.

My husband and I lived in England for one year from August 16, 2005 until August 1, 2006. Our son, Ben was 9 weeks old when we left for Winterton, England on the Northeast Coast, about half way between Lincoln and York. My husband was responsible for 6 churches and I was responsible for the house and our son. As a part of our time there, we had to take vacation. We were there for one year but we were expected to use ALL of our 5 weeks of vacation, plus our weekly 2 days off and 5 days of Sabbatical time (every quarter). My husband shares that he never felt like he got much accomplished while he was there, but I know he was more fun and creative in all that he did, in part because he was forced to take time away. For my part, I loved all the time. We could go places we always wanted to visit, even going to the Lincoln Cathedral weekly for Evensong. It was a life giving time.

Now that we are back in America, I bemoan the lack of time. I am surrounded by workaholics.

Josh and I try very hard to take our days off each week and all the vacation time we get (3 weeks). We try and are usually successful. We do not wear it as a badge of honor that we have worked 5, 6, 7 years without a single vacation day. However, I have come to realize that I really am a workaholic wolf, in sabbath loving sheep clothing. Okay, the analogy may not work, but I have found that somehow over the last couple of years, since motherhood really, that I could not take a whole day or longer away. Now, my husband and I take time every week for date night, but I have not had more than a couple of hours by myself for years.

How did it get so long. I kept telling myself that I couldn't leave. So last night, my friend and roomate and I stayed up way late in our hotel room, enjoying a glass of wine and talking. As I woke this morning, without any alarm other than my bladder, I realized, I don't have to go to the retreat session this morning, I can stay in my hotel room and read the books I got at the book table. I can take a shower and fix my hair and put my pjs back on. And I did and I am. In giving myself permission something radical has happened, I have come to realize that God loves me.

I know, how can I as a Pastor who constantly tells everyone else that God loves them, miss that. I was so busy trying to care for everyone else, that I failed to care for myself on the deepest level. My husband is at home with the kids, okay, to be truthful, he is at work and the kids are at preschool, but he is taking care of them while I am gone. He has gone away about once a quarter since just before our son was born. As I told him my plan on the phone this morning, he said, "I've been telling you to take a retreat for years now. I'm glad that you finally are doing it." Wow. There has been nothing stopping me, but myself. So, it stops now.

I know for some that know me, it is coming out of left-field, but I know that I have been taking baby steps towards this moment for 6 months. I love being a wife, mother and Pastor. They are all live giving vocations that I have wanted to do my whole life. I'll share my call story another time, but just know that I have known I wanted to do what I am doing for more than 1/2 my life. Do the math, I was young when I figured this out. Anyway, I am now giving myself permission to do that which I tell everyone else to do.

I can't please anyone but God and myself and in pleasing myself, I please God. God takes delight and joy in the happiness of her children. I am the Pastor of the church but I cannot be all things to all people. I cannot do everything. This does not mean I don't have to do the things that I don't like or that I am not good at. I still have to work on areas that I am not strong in but it does not mean that I have to spend all of my time and energy in those areas.

I am not soley responsible for my children. My husband and partner both created them with God's help and they are both of our responsibility. He has never shirked his responsibility, but I think I have convinced myself that I can do it better.

So, thus begins The Radical Pastor Mommy Blog. I am going to take time to retreat, even if it is for 2 hours in the morning, when I stay home and read for me, or quilt, or take a walk, because I will be a better wife, mother and pastor because I did it. I don't have to wait until I am required to take time away, I can do it for myself and I will encourage all those around me to do the same.

I'll leave you with this thought, from the book that started my retreat time, "What Size are God's Shoes: Kids, Chaos and the Spiritual Life." by Tim Schenck "For if God is love, then we see God by showing our love for others. We see the face of God in one another. Our faces can reflect the love that is God. You and I can look like God, if only occasionally, if only briefly, if only haltingly. But we have the ability to do this precisely because we are made in God's image." We can only do this, if we allow ourselves to retreat away into the care of God and that means loving ourselves enough to say no.